Wednesday, August 24, 2011

John Baker Moved to Texas Via Witness Protection Program

   Reports indicate that residents of Summerville, Texas, should get ready to welcome a new arrival. John Baker and his family, Caroline, his wife, and their kids, John Junior and Lisa, are moving in at 786 Jackson St, Summerville TX.

   The reason for their sudden relocation? It seems John was willing to testify against an alleged major drug dealer in Los Angeles who goes by the name of El Amigo. If any of El Amigo's associates knew where the Baker family was, they'd likely stage an accident for them.

   The Baker family will be changing their name to White. Chris and Ellen, and the kids will retain their first names. John, a.k.a. Chris, will be employed at the coca cola plant, working a 9 to 5 shift. Caroline, a.k.a. Ellen, will be staying at their house all day, unprotected. That address, again, is 786 Jackson St, Summerville TX.

   We interviewed Mr. Baker about the bravery he displayed by taking action against the alleged drug dealers. "I just did what needed to be done." He said, then added, "I'm just glad the witness protection program exists, and no one will ever find out that my kids go to school at Butler Elementary and Summerville High, and have to walk two blocks, alone, to get home afterwards."

   Our hats are off to you Mr. Baker. We hope you continue to be brave, and have fun on your upcoming vacation to hawaii, staying at the Ritz Hotel, room 302.

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